The Hose

“Love him or hate him, nothing goes better with ham, cheese, lettuce, and tomato than two warm slices of the body of Christ. Then pour yourself a nice vintage glass of slightly chilled blood of Christ, aged just right, and just sit back and relax. I think that what I’m trying to say is that if anyone develops any more food products related to Jesus’ body parts, I’m way in.”

“If I discover a family of receptors or enzymes, I will give it a name which taunts another person or organization. Examples:

  • CMTr’s – “Country Music is Terrible” Receptor family
  • HMCTDK’s – “Hold Me Closer Tony Danza” Kinases”

“I bet North Korea was made fun of a lot by the other countries on the playground as a kid and went on to wear Goth death-metal shirts in Junior High.”

“It’s not that I hate Dave Matthews; on the contrary, I think his work is pretty decent and there are actually several songs of his that I rather enjoy. I’m sure he’s a great guy in his own right; it’s just that I can’t stand most of his followers…..kind of like Jesus.”

Harvard: The Truman of the northeast.

Best ways to impress your possible future in-laws when meeting them for the first time:
1). Show them how much you can drink.
2). Be sure to brag of having at least twice the number of illegitamate children as anyone in their family.
3). Get a tattoo of their daughter on your back in her natural state, the way God intended.
4). Show them the respect you’re able to command from children and pets simply with threatening gestures.
5). Make suggestive comments about your genitalia to ensure them that their daughter is getting the whole 9 yards.

“Today’s target minority population is: Canadians and Canada
1). We’re kind of like America’s 12 year old sister
2). Hey, we’re only 1/2 French and it was not consentual
3). Where boredom is a competitive sport
4). It’s almost a real country
5). Canada…because you haven’t lived until you’ve sodomized a fur seal!
6). The interior is 95% unpopulated, much like our feeble wasted minds
7). The name means “trout rectum” in Algonquin
8). At least we’re not Mexico
9). OJ Simpson is not from Canada
10). #1 in nation-wide speech deficiencies, eh?

“Hey Andy, you gotta smell my fungus!”

?Babies aren?t really that scary?I mean, they don?t even have teeth or claws?
?what about a baby that throws AIDS????

“Rush Tri Kaps! Other fraternities talk about brotherhood. At Tri Kaps, we have no brothas in our hood.”

“Am I the only one who thinks babies are ugly? They’re such hideous looking creatures. They’re these hairless liquid bags… They’re like hairless cats.”

“Miss, you appear to have what we in the medical profession call ‘the perfect storm’ of venereal diseases.”

“A country song once went ‘I’ve been lookin’ for love in all the wrong places…’ Now, I may not know much in this topsy-turvy world, but I do know that the fence area near the dumpsters behind Hardees at around 3:30 am is one of those ‘wrong’ places, or at least Officer Brown seemed to think so.”

“SN2 nucleophilic substitutions and prison showers; two places where it pays to be wise to the backside attack.
— MacGuyver

“It’s like drinking a tablespoon of Drano. Sure, it’ll clean you out, but it leaves you all hollow inside.”
— Niels Bohr

“Diablo is going to taste my steel tonight.”
— Gumby

“Rectum?…I damn near KILLED ’em!”
— Orvile Redenbacher

“Getting to know my Yu-Chi…”

“Whenever someone sends me a link to something involving Flash, a “cute” animal or other object and a pathetically written “funny” song in a high pitched voice, it makes me see the silver lining in bioterrorism.”

“The only reason chemistry is worthwhile:
1). The “back-side” attack
2). The endo rule.
I think these speak for themselves.”

“Workin’ late on spectroscopy stuff. In the hood, we call it ‘laster pimpin’,’ ‘bubonic photonic’ or ‘IR spectro ballin’,’ but them bustaz and foolz on the eascoas probably call it something else.”

“So in Mexico, do they ask Santa Ana for Christmas presents? Also, does he use 8 magical reindeer or does he just use Mexicans to pull his sleigh, cause…I’m sure he has to think about which is more cost efficient. I mean, let’s get serious, there aren’t many reindeer herds in the Oaxaca Valley. Also, I’d warn him to be pretty careful when flying over Juarez because he’d probably get mistakenly shot down by drug gangs thinking he’s a rival drug runner flying his “shit” across the border for El Padrino. Then he’d have to shag ass for safe ground before the DEA or INS got ahold of his jolly fat ass, cause…I mean, stuff happens, you know.”

“I like big molecules and I cannot lie,
ya’ll protons can’t deny,
when an alkene walks in with a full
octet and a pi-bond in your face,
you get sprung………..

My polarimeter don’t want none unless
you’ve got chirality, hon.

Dial 1-900-racemic-mix-a-lot
and kick up them product yields

Baby Got Mass”

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