Quotes From People I Don’t Know

“Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.”
— Ben Franklin

“A woman drove me to drink, and I never even had the courtesy to thank her.”
— W.C. Fields

“If Christ were here now, there is one thing he would not be — a Christian.”
— Mark Twain

“An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.”
— Dylan Thomas

“Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.”
— Oscar Wilde

“Music is the 5th gospel.”
— Martin Luther

“It is an important and popular fact that things are not always what they seem. For instance, on the planet Earth, man had always assumed that he was more intelligent than dolphins because he had achieved so much — the wheel, New York, wars and so on — whilst all the dolphins had ever done was muck about in the water having a good time. But conversely, the dolphins had always believed that they were far more intelligent than man — for precisely the same reasons.”
— Douglas Adams, “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”

“The fact is, most putts don’t drop, most beef is tough, most children grow up to be just people, most successful marriages require a high degree of mutual toleration, most jobs are more often dull than otherwise. Life is like an old time journey…delays, side tracks, smoke, dust, cinders and jolts, interspersed only occasionally by beautiful vistas,
and thrilling bursts of speed. The trick is to thank the Lord for letting you have the ride.”
— Gordon B. Hinkley

“The issue here is not whether we broke a few rules or took a few liberties with our female party guests – we did. But you can’t hold a whole fraternity responsible for the behavior of a few sick, perverted individuals. For if you do, then shouldn’t we blame the whole fraternity system? And if the whole fraternity system is guilty, then isn’t this an
indictment of our educational institutions in general? I put it to you – isn’t this an indictment of our entire American society? Well, you can do what you want to us, but we’re not going to sit here and listen to you bad-mouth the United States of America! Gentlemen!”
— Otter’s Animal House soliloquy

“We are not loved by our friends for what we are; rather, we are loved in spite of what we are.”
— Victor Hugo

“If your ship hasn’t come in, swim out to it.”
— Andy Tant

“Now, these things will cost $30 grand more than your regular Lincoln Navigator, and like everything Puffy does, it’ll be pieced together by earlier, better cars.”
— Lewis Black, regarding P. Diddy’s limited edition Navigators that he’s selling…

“‘Flirting’ is ‘Cheating’s’ ugly cousin…”
— Adam Sandler; “Anger Management”

“I think some Christians use Jesus as a shortcut to being right. In the process they bypass becoming humble or wise. They figure that if they say ‘Jesus’ enough, it guarantees they won’t be stupid.”
— Neo; “A New Kind Of Christian”

“A friend of mine went to the doctor with some headaches. The doctor asks, ‘Do you smoke?’ My friend replied, ‘Nope, not even second-hand.’ The doctor continued to ask, ‘Do you drink alcohol?’ My friend says, ‘No, sir. Never once.’ The doctor then asks, ‘well, do you watch lots of TV?’ ‘No sir,’ said my friend. ‘I rarely watch much more than 30 minutes every few days.’ ‘Well then,’ said the doctor, ‘I know just the solution. I prescribe a pack of cigarettes, a 6-pack and a good movie. If I were as uptight as you, I think I’d have headaches, too!’
— Rich Mullins

“If I cut all the cholesterol and all the fat out of my diet, what would be the point of eating?”
— Rich Mullins

“People are like snow flakes: cold, hard and hard to shovel when piled up.”
— Gary Lewis

“Running Windows on a Pentium is like having a brand new Porche but only being able to drive backwards with the handbrake on.”
— Unknown

“Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.”
— Bruce Nolan; Bruce Almighty

“How do you make somebody love you without affecting free will?”
— Bruce Nolan (Jim Carrey)
“Welcome to my world, son. If you come up with an answer to that one, you let me know.”
— God (Morgan Freeman)

“135 nations signed the global warming treaty. We didn’t. And we wonder why people think we’re arrogant. 135 nations signed the treaty and we said, ‘hey, go f*** yourselves’.”
— Lewis Black

“You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America’s Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn’t want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named ‘Bush,’ ‘Dick,’ and ‘Colon’.”
— Chris Rock

“The greatest trick the devil ever pulled was convincing the world he didn’t exist.”
— Verbal Kint; The Usual Suspects

“You lost today, kid. That doesn’t mean you have to like it.”
— Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

“Life’s a journey. Enjoy the ride.”
— Nissan Ad

“Revenge is a dish that is best served cold.”
— Klingon Proverb

“Only the mediocre are always at their best.”
— Jean Giraudoux

“No problem is so formidable that you can’t walk away from it.”
— Charles M. Schulz

“Glory is fleeting, but obscurity is forever.”
— Napoleon Bonaparte

“Unless you love someone, nothing else makes any sense.”
— E. E. Cummings

“Half the world is composed of people who have something to say and can’t, and the other half who have nothing to say and keep on saying it.”
— Sir Winston Churchill

“Lots of folks are forced to skimp to support a government that won’t.”
— Sir Winston Churchill

“If you’re going through hell, keep on going.”
— Sir Winston Churchill

“I didn’t know running into the wall would hurt as much as it did. But here I am, laying in a puddle of my own blood in a coma, hoping that my faithful penguin sends for help. Last time this happened, the penguin just called me
a pussy, took my shoes, and went to see “The Mask.” To this day, I still don’t know if he liked it, and whenever I ask he just calls me a slut and throws ice cubes at me.”
— Unknown (but I got it from Brian Bangs…)

“Ideas don’t stay in some minds very long because they don’t like solitary confinement.”
— Unknown

“You should emulate your heroes, but don’t carry it too far. Especially if they are dead.”
— Unknown

“Fat people are harder to kidnap.”
— Bumper sticker

“It’s only impossible until it’s not.”
— Jean-Luc Picard; “ST:TNG”

“Five card stud…nothing wild…and the sky’s the limit.”
— Jean-Luc Picard; “ST:TNG”

“Historians are like deaf people who go on answering questions that no one has asked them.”
— Leo Tolstoy

“Tip the world over on its side and everything loose will land in Los Angeles.”
— Frank Lloyd Wright

“Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools, because they have to say something.”
— Plato

“Wise men say: forgiveness is divine, but never pay full price for late pizza.”
— Michaelangelo; “TMNT”

“The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you’ve got it made.”
— Jean Giradoux

“Last night I dreamed I ate a 10-lb marshmallow…and when I woke up, my pillow was gone.”
— Tommy Cooper

“I have come to the conclusion that one useless man is called a disgrace, that two are called a law firm, and that three or more become a congress.”
— Peter Stone

“You’re claustrophobic.”
— Donatello
“Who, me? Look, pal, I’ve never even looked at another guy…”
— Casey Jones

“The Heineken Uncertainty Principle: You can never be sure how many beers you had last night.”
— Unknown

“He who is an early riser need not get up until noon.”
— Anonymous

“Playing an unamplified electric guitar is like strumming on a picnic table.”
— Dave Barry

“If I had any humility, I’d be perfect.”
— Ted Turner

“A classic is something everyone wants to have read and no one wants to read.”
— Mark Twain

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