Mitch Hedberg Widsom

I want to get a job as someone who names kitchen appliances. Toaster, refridgerator, blender….all you do is say what the shit does, and add “er”. I wanna work for the Kitchen Appliance Naming Institute. Hey, what does that do? It keeps shit fresh. Well that’s a fresher….I’m going on break.

I got to write these jokes. So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that’s funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn’t funny.

I need to buy a safe that looks like a Coca-Cola can. Better yet a safe that looks like a Spray ‘n Wash can. That would create better situations. “Hey Mitch, can I use the Spray ‘n Wash?” “Yeah, if you wanna spray your shirt…with documents!”

I don’t wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same. So if somebody asks me what time it is, I have to tell them something that is going on. “What time is it, Mitch?” “Uh, that guy is eating a hamburger.” “Shit, I had to be somewhere…”

This shirt is dry clean only. Which means… It’s dirty.

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut… I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I can’t imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don’t even act like I didn’t buy a doughnut, I’ve got the documentation right here… It’s in my file at home. …Under “D”.

I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

It’s very dangerous to wave to people you don’t know because what if they don’t have hands? They’ll think you’re cocky.

Someone handed me a picture and said, “This is a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger. “…Here’s a picture of me when I’m older.” Where’d you get that camera man?

There are six ducks out there and they all want Sunchips!

I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. “Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide…”

I wrote a letter to my dad – I wrote, “I really enjoy being here,” but I accidentally wrote rarely instead of really. But I still wanted to use it so i crossed it out and wrote, “I rarely drive steamboats, dad – there’s a lot of shit you don’t know about me. Quit trying to act like I’m a steamboat operator.” This letter took a harsh turn right away…

My friend said to me, “You know what I like? Mashed potatoes.” I was like, “Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you’re going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.”

An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an “Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order” sign, just “Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.”

I type a 101 words a minute. But it’s in my own language.

My apartment is infested with koala bears. It’s the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, but I don’t want them too. I’m like, “Hey… Hold on fellows… Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf.” Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me. We need to ship a few over, so I can hold one, and pat it on its head.

The next time I move I hope I get a real easy phone number, something like 2222222. People will ask, “Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?” I’ll say, “Just press two for a while, when I answer, you’ll know that you’ve pressed two enough.”

On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it’s just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where the fuck did you get that banana?

I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. There’s a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.

…and then at the end of the letter I like to write “P.S. – this is what part of the alphabet would look like if Q and R were eliminated.

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana, I said “No, but I want a regular banana later, so, Yeah.”

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